


Clean

by wesawbears



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 16:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11787327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wesawbears/pseuds/wesawbears
Summary: Jeremy Knox loves himself. At least, he tries to. A character study of Jeremy working through his internalized homophobia.





	Clean

Jeremy Knox loves himself. He knows this because he stands in front of the mirror and repeats it to himself every day, just like his therapist told him to. Some days it works better than others, but she always says he’s a work in progress and that not every day will be perfect.

His problems started when he was about 12 and he looks at another boy for the first time and feels a jolt in his stomach. He chalks it up to hormones and ignores the gnawing feeling in his gut. He grew up in the country, where boys kissed girls and that was that.

And Jeremy did want to kiss girls. That wasn’t the problem.

The problem was that Jessica’s giggle and Luke’s laugh drew up the same feeling in his throat. He ignores it and tells himself it’s just a friend crush. He uses his family as an excuse when everyone around him starts having their first kisses and “dating”. He says his parents won’t let him until he’s in high school.

In his heart, Jeremy knew his parents would still love him if he dated a boy. But flashes of them looking at him differently fill his mind and he thinks he’ll never tell them.

He can’t date anyway, so he doesn’t need to worry yet.

He’s 14 when a classmate bring up the new civil union laws and watches as one of his friends scrunches her nose up and calls it disgusting.

His stomach clenches and he asks in a shaky voice, “But why is it bad if they’re in love?”

”Two boys can’t love each other. It’s weird.”

He doesn’t feel weird, but that word “disgusting” rattles around his head for the rest of the day.

It builds in his chest until he can’t breathe and suddenly his mom asks how his day was and he’s sobbing and she asks why and he can’t tell her so he just says, “I don’t know” and lets her hug him. At least he can try to make her feel better.

He tries out for Exy in high school, mostly because his mom is worried about him and how he’s been more withdrawn lately and how she thinks getting involved will help him make friends.

Jeremy loves Exy. He loves the speed, the vitality, the feeling of being part of a team. It’s just- it’s hard. He knows, in his heart, that he’s not doing anything wrong. He sees the way the other guys on the team look at the girls and he thinks it’s gross. He doesn’t think he looks at any of them that way, but he knows that’s what they’ll think if they know.

He tells Chris off for snapping Jade’s bra strap one day and she thanks him and pecks his cheek. He blushes and a week later she asks him to homecoming.

They go and his mom takes a thousand pictures. He likes how soft Jade feels against him when they dance.

He gets his first kiss that night and they both giggle and he feels good and he’s relieved because if he likes her, that means he’s normal and everything’s okay.

They break up a few months later, but it’s okay.

He hears the word ‘bisexual’ for the first time a year later, when his older sister comes home from college for Christmas. She explains how her friends like and date both boys and girls.

He wants to jump up and down and say “that’s me!”, but he can’t. Instead, he holds it close to his chest and lets it be enough for now.

He’s 17 when he first kisses a boy and it’s so different from kissing Jade because he feels like it has to be a secret. But he and Liam kiss behind the bleachers and it’s just as innocent and fun, but he leaves feeling a little dizzy, in a good and bad way.

When he and Liam start going out, Jeremy brings him home and his hands shake when he introduces Liam as his boyfriend. He’s surprised, but she just smiles and says how nice it is to meet him. Later that night, she tells him nothing’s changed.

He goes to bed that night and thinks about how he should feel better. And he does a little. But there’s still a sinking feeling in his gut telling him he’s gross and that he shouldn’t feel this way. And it’s not fair, because being honest was supposed to make him feel better! It was supposed to fix this awful feeling that he’s disgusting, but it hasn’t and he still feels wrong.

The first time he goes to counseling is when he starts college. He’s nervous, because in the middle of nowhere where he’s from, getting counseling is just another thing that marks you as different, and Jeremy’s trying so hard, but at this point he’s just sure that he just...doesn’t work like he’s supposed to.

The second he sits down he rambles, because that’s what he does. He doesn’t even really mention his sexuality, just that he’s anxious all the time.

The comment that piques his counselor’s interest is a throwaway comment, when he says that he’s “too soft.”

”What do you mean by that?”

”I just...I like being kind. And I like soft, pretty things. But I also like Exy and sports. And I like girls, but I also like boys and I think that the switch that forms cohesive identities was clearly broken when I came out because I don’t fit in anywhere. I just feel like people are supposed to fit in these boxes, and I’m...a triangle or something. I don’t know.”

”Have you been holding that in a long time?”

He nods and deflates in his chair.

”It sounds like you don’t like yourself very much.”

He bites his lip. “I just...everyone’s okay with me being bi and being myself, but I just…”

”It sounds like you have a lot of internalized homophobia.”

He freezes. “You think I’m homophobic?”

”It just means that since you’ve grown up in a society where you’ve been told being with other men is wrong, you think you’re doing something wrong.”

And Jeremy wants to cry because it makes sense. He’s been carrying all this guilt around for so long. 

It doesn’t go away overnight, but over the next 4 years he slowly starts to be a little more open with himself and his friends. He does a lot of research and tries to reconcile what he’s learned with who he is.

That being said, he’s 24 when Jean Moreau says “I love you” to him for the first time and kisses him so gently and Jeremy feels his lip wobble as Jean pulls away.

Jean’s brow furrows and he asks, “Did I hurt you?”

Jeremy shakes his head violently. “No! No, I just...I never thought I would have this and I’ve spent so long being scared and guilty and feeling dirty,” and he sees Jean’s mouth open, but he closes it as Jeremy continues. “But we’re not dirty. We’re not. There’s nothing wrong with us. There can’t be, not when you make me this happy.”

Jean looks a little bewildered, so Jeremy rushes to say, “Oh God. You totally didn’t need a speech. I’m sorry. Let me try again like a normal human. I love you too.”

Jean laughs and kisses Jeremy’s forehead. “Jeremy Knox. I never, ever, want to see you act like a ‘normal human being.’”

And Jeremy laughs and kisses Jean and he can’t say he’s 100% okay, but he’s getting there.


End file.
